Sunday, March 20, 2011

March 21st, 2011

It’s been a while since my last blog entry.  I seemed to hit a rough patch these past several weeks.  After several years of dating my boy friend, it was always just stated that we would end up together someday, and live out our lives together. After several years though of pretty much living in two separate places, and with the recent questioning of several acquaintances and friends, lately it seemed  everyone around me, from friends, co-workers, neighbors, even the super of my building was, asking when we were going to get serious.

Well of course, I told all of them we were serious, but we were just got ready to move in or get married yet.  All these questions from all those around me, did get me thinking, what were we waiting for?? I noticed that as far as my dream life was concerned, my life partner (which in all intensive purposes for me was Bryan) was at the center of everything.  We created, experienced, enjoyed and shared that life together.   It became clear to me that if we were going to create this amazing dream life together that we had often spoke of for years; that it was time we took things to the next level.

 Therefore, at the end of December I broach the question to Bry, saying simply “Well, we’ve always discussed being together forever”, “What do you prefer living together or getting married?”  I told Bry that lately I was getting questioned by everyone around me, from friends, co-workers, neighbors, even the super, asking when we were going to get serious. I told him it bother me, as I didn’t want anyone to think us or our relationship a joke, but most importantly, I really wanted to take our relationship to the next level, either living together or getting married. After much discussion, Bry definitely wasn’t for the living together idea, but also agreed that we had hit an impasse, where we either needed to make a decision to either go forward or separate.    After more discussion, Bry and I decided, “Let’s go forward with the getting married thing”. 

Well, for me, I hadn’t realized till we made this decision, that getting married was the option I most wanted.  For as long as all my friends have known me I’ve always swore off marriage as the epitome of what destroys all relationships.  My parents had split in an awful divorce when I was a teen, and from then on, I had swore to myself, that I would never end up in a situation like theirs.   To me the whole idea of a super expensive party (aka wedding reception), engagement ring, and everything in between, was just a big money making scheme for business to profit big time off the myth of marring a prince charming that would give you the perfect life. To me all of this was just a bunch of bull.  If you loved someone I reasoned, you could simply just choose together, privately to be committed to each other; and then just do it (The end of it, no silly expensive party, stress, and hoopla).

Well, of late I started to realize something.  After years of being with Bryan, and our love growing to the point where we were not just boyfriend, and girlfriend, but lovers,  best friends, and family.  With all of this though, our family, friends, co-works, neighbors and everyone in-between; we were simply just boy friend and girl friend, nothing more.  The general consensus was we could just split if we wanted and get another boyfriend, or girlfriend.  There was no respect with regards to our relationship.
This fact was brought home to me recently, when co-workers live in boyfriend of more than 20 years became very ill.  She wanted to take time off from work to be with him in the hospital, but the job was less than understanding, and only allowed her to use the rest of her vacation time to be with him.  Quite a bit of gossip, and snickering went around the office about this co-worker, and I found myself bothered by all this negative hype.  I thought what if this happened to Bry, and I wanted to be with him, would my job, be even less sympathetic as we didn’t even live together?

In the same token, my boss who has been married for more than 25 years to the same man had to take quite a bit of time off this year to take care of her sick husband.  I was completely surprised by the company’s attitude. Not only did she not have to use all her vacation time to be with her husband, she was given all the time she needed to be with him, and the company even sent flowers.  It didn’t seem to matter that this so called married couple has had several screaming fights on the company phone (that you could not help but hear). They had anything but a happy relationship; but for some reason their relationship was treated with the up-most respect, where as the other woman’s (after 20 years of living with the same man) relationship was given no respect, simply because they did not have a marriage license!!

At first all of this left me confused, frustrated, and questioning what was best (living together or getting married).  I know many years back when I prayed to God to send me a life partner (marriage was never mentioned in my prayers), it was made clear to me after several months of dating Bry, that he was the one God had sent me.  Now, when all this talk of going forward was put on the table, marriage is what finally made most sense to me.  I love Bryan, and what I most want is that our love continues to grow, and that we as people continue to grow, and become our best possible selves. For me marriage felt like the best way for us to fully accomplish this. Whereas I already feel we are melded at a heart, mind and soul level, this final step of a public declaration, would be what cemented our relationship to us, God and all.

Well, in the weeks following our decision to move forward with getting married. I proposed to Bry, that we could perhaps go to David Bridals to try on some wedding dresses, and tuxes, as a way to getting ourselves emotional prepared and ready when we officially got engaged and sprung the news on our families.  Since for me, I had never really envisioned myself getting married I thought the idea of trying on wedding dresses, would help to make it all more real.  On Martin Luther Day we decided to go to David Bridals.  We actually had an awesome time.  The dresses were something else.  We both started to see why these dresses were so expensive, they were so heavy and had so much detail on them (beading, sequence, appliqué, ect…) .  Bry never actually made it to the tux section as he took some thirty pictures of me.   Afterward Bry treated me to dinner and a bottle of wine. 

A week later Bry showed the pictures of our time at David Bridals to his parents, and advised them that we had decided to move forward with getting married.  I was a little nervous, as the last time 3 years prior we had brought the idea of marriage to our families it was met with resistance.  To my happy surprise both families were total okay with the decision.  Bryan’s family God Bless them, worried about the financial aspects even proposed that we could, if need be live there.  Well, both Bry, and I felt at least for now, it was best to move in together without the parents for now.

After this I found myself, on cloud nine so to say.  I was completely ecstatic, and expected that I would receive the engagement ring shortly, and could then make the official announcement to all. I was finally going to have the loving family home I’d longed for, for so long.  I then went into full swing planning a simple wedding for us (I didn’t want us to spend more than $3,500.00 at max).  I researched and found a hall at my friend’s parish for 3K per hour in NYC.  Of course this just included a rather nice sound system, sound proof walls, a bunch of not so pretty cafeteria tables and chairs, and a stage.  All the rest had to be provided by you.  Well, no problem, I figured; I could decorate with the help of my friends. Make the invitations, and trinkets we would give to the guests.  Also, since most of my friends are Latin, we all decided we’d all do the cooking, and I’d bake the cake.   As each week past and I gave the lowdown of how all the wedding ideas were panning out so far to Bry, he seemed receptive and cool with all the ideas presented. He didn’t seem to want to add anything, but simply said all sounded okay to him. 

As our anniversary was soon to hit, and I asked Bry how he wished to celebrate.  Since valentine’s day was a couple weeks before our anniversary (March 6th) I suggested that perhaps we could have dinner at my house (I’d cook) on valentine, and then for our anniversary we would go out somewhere nice.  Bry suggested that go out for both valentine and our anniversary. He said let’s do a not so expensive restaurant for valentines, and then for our anniversary let’s go to an expensive restaurant.  Well, you do not need to twist my arm I thought.  So, after this talk it occurred to me that perhaps our anniversary is when Bry will pop the question and officially propose to me (as Bryan is never one to propose spending money frivolously, and twice in one month).  I was excited, but kept telling myself to stay claim.  I did ready myself for the eventuality and got tips, and a French manicure done as the day approached.   The weekend of valentine’s I went out and got Bry a small gift for the occasion (a pair of jeans and a fleece sweater, as he said recently that he really needed some new jeans),  I then readied myself for our dinner out.  I was very excited as it occurred to me that Bry, could just surprise me and propose this evening (to throw me off I thought.  As the more expensive restaurant he mentioned for March 6th seemed like the more likely time. ).  

The valentine dinner was awesome, and the food and company were great (of course)! As the dinner went along, and there were no feelings of edginess or nerves from Bryan, so it seemed quite unlikely that that evening would be the night he’d propose. It was all good though I thought, because in a couple weeks was our anniversary, and I was certain it would happen then.   After dinner Bry and I headed over to my place to retire for the evening.  The poor guy had been working on several rush jobs over the past several days and had gotten very little sleep.  A little after getting in, I gave Bry my small valentine’s gift to him.  Oddly though, he seemed totally freaked out at the gift, and demanded to know what was in the box.  I laughed and told him to just opening it and find out.  He had quite a bit of problems trying to open the box, and I had to get some scissors to help him opening it. Well, he finally got the package open, and he breathed a sigh of relief once he saw what it was, exclaiming that he was just thinking about getting some new jeans. 

Now, I was curious though, what was with all the dramatics in opening this gift, what did you think it was I asked.  Bry confirmed that he thought it was a tux for the wedding that I had bought him.  I laughed again, as this seemed completely ridicules, why would I buy tux, that he would probably only wear once. I just assumed you were going to rent one I advised him. The more important question came to mind then, and I asked why the idea of me buying a tux for him made him so nervous.  It was then that he revealed that he did not think he was ready for marriage, at least not for a while.  I asked what a while meant, a year, two years. Well, Bryan really had no idea. 

What happened next I’m not too proud of, I pretty much lost my tempter, as we always discussed being together someday, he could give no indication when this ‘someday’ would actually be.  I spent the next hour or so pretty much begging him to see how wonderful I was, and how could he not want to marry me.  Needless to say it was not pretty. After much ranting and raving from me, Bryan advised that he thought it best if we broke up.  I help him pack as I continue to rant and rave, about how amazing I was and I couldn’t believe he was just walking away from our 5 year relationship. I packed not only the items that were his, but all the gifts I could think of at the time, that he had given me over the years.  To me, at this moment, it felt as if I was being tossed about; that our relationship was completely unimportant to him.  Well, needless to say, I was very angry and hurt and was not thinking clearly.

It has now been 6 weeks since we have broken up, and last weekend we had a really heart to heart, and spoke by phone for several hours. I was grateful that I was able to apologize for my embarrassing behavior, and ask Bry to forgive me for my crazy ranting and raving. In fact we both apologized and asked for forgiveness.  Of course I still love him, I was completely ready and willing to pledge my life to this man, in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health for the rest of my life.   We realized after this much needed talk, that we both needed time apart for a while,( and perhaps forever).  I know for me that Bry is the life partner that I had long ago prayed for, but I also know that God gives each of us free will to choose our own destiny.  Also, whereas God had sent me a message long ago that this was my life partner, he never said when.  So, now, both Bryan and I have decided to give each other the space (and decided not to have any contact for 60 days) to pray and go within for clarity, to decide for each us, what is best for us right now, and going forward. 

Of course I wish it had been a clear cut decision for Bry, as it was for me, that we marry and spend our life together.  I know though, that more than anything, that what I want for him, is what will make him most happy.  I certainly do not want my husband to be, to be at the altar, looking like 10 shades of green, looking like he’s is going to puking any second and upon seeing me start to walk down the aisle look like a deer caught in the headlights. I want our wedding day to be the happiest day for both me and the groom.  Well, with all this said I feel way better about our decision, and since our frank discussion, and asking each other for forgiveness, I feel a great weight has been lifted.  I’m grateful to God and trust that no matter what happens it will all be good.  Oh, BTW I had purchased the wedding dress for our wedding day, just the day before our break-up. Okay maybe this was a bit impetuous of me, but I was quite certain at the time, that we were really heading toward our wedding.  Well, the amazing man that Bryan is, he has since sent me the full money for this purchase which I totally did not expect, but as a good friend had once said (that good friend being Bry), never turn down money.  So, I took this money, and have paid some debt and put some money in the bank.  No matter what, I’ll always be grateful to God for sending Bryan into my life.  Thank you God, and Thank you Bryan!!!  I love you both. :-)

No comments:

Post a Comment